[RECORDING STARTING SOUND]

Dear Journal, today was… God, this so pointless. Really, Dr. Hernandez, this is supposed to help me become less anxious and negative, by giving me another stupid task to add to my mile long to-do list. Like, it’s been a week, do I feel less stressed out? No. More positive? No. How about happier? Well, like always, that’s a big no. I just- I feel the same. Always the same. I- I know, I know. I just need to- try more and be not as dismissive of things. Which definitely goes against my default settings but- whatever. Might as well try and be positive, I got nothing else going for me. (Sigh) Let’s start over.

Dear journal, today was pretty normal. I got up at five, stared at the ceiling for half an hour, at 6 I went to the park for a jog, and my run-away-from-zombies app kept crashing so I had to like deal with that for 5 minutes. It’s really hard to motivate yourself to move without the fear of getting your brains eaten. When I got back, I showered, had my normal smoothie and toast breakfast, then I read for a bit, did some studying and got ready. I was in one of those brief moments where I thought I looked cute so of course I decided I had to wear my new short skirt and top that I bought about 4 months ago in a previous moment where I possessed self-esteem. Yeah, I know, great idea for November. Well, at least I had fleece-lined leggings. You know, one day I’ll be able to make rational decisions. One day. I took the bus at 8 and by 8:05 I had come to the realization that I wasn’t comfortable in the outfit I was in, nor was I as attractive as the size 2 mannequin that was sporting this outfit when I walked into the store. So of course my next move was staring out the window, trying not to cry in a public place. At least my bus ride takes less than 15 minutes.

So, again, pretty normal day. I don’t quite think that my therapist wanted me to completely detail my routine, but what else am gonna talk about, my feelings? (bitter laugh) That’s a good one and it’s not like my life is that interesting, if I’m not at university, then I’m either studying, having a study date with Quinn and Lily, or sleeping. Obviously, there are other non-school related things. I’m not completely devoid of friends, parties, and a love life... not that I could really call it love, though... and the parties that I attend are few and far between. I mean I can avoid my issues by drinking and listening to terrible music all on my own, I don’t need to be surrounded by people who weirdly enjoy all that while being packed into an area like sardines. I mean it’s just-

Kitty, kitty, what are you eating? Is that a piece of fluff? No, don’t ignore me. Buttercup, what have we talked about? You don’t eat random things off the floor! (sigh) Sometimes I think you’re incapable of understanding me or something. Here-

[MYLEA SHAKES THE TREAT CONTAINER]

-how about some treats instead?

[SHAKES THE TREATS AGAIN]

Nice, yummy, edible treats. What are you looking at?

[BUTTERCUP GROWLS]

Buttercup, there’s nothing there you stupid cat!

[CONTINUES TO GROWL]

It’s just the wall, the plain wall.

[MYLEA POURS OUT THE TREATS. BUTTERCUP EATS THEM AND STARTS PURRING]

Yeah, I know I got the good treaties from the fancy pet store, yeah, you’re a good kitty, I mean you’re also kind of a dumb kitty, but you’re still such a good kitty, yes you are, yes you are!

Anyways, uh, back to my boring life. I got to the university at 8:15. I had Stats at 8:30, we were working on making graphs in our programming app. Then, I went to Microeconomics at 9:30. Like usual, nothing happened, and I just spent the time copying down the lecture slides that I already printed out. I learned very early on that nothing that the prof says matters, all that you need is his slides and the textbook, and that if you sit far enough in the back, he doesn’t ever call on you. Quinn’s first class was at 11:30 but they came a bit early to bombard me with interesting things they learned in history and new drawings they were working on while I condensed my notes. How people like them could wake up at 10, roll out of bed, get dressed, eat something quick then be ready for the world by 10:30 always astounded me. But I guess my ability to wake up early and get a head start on the day can seem equally peculiar to others. It’s honestly surprising that we’re best friends considering we’re wired so differently.

I went to the lab for my easy math course. Well, technically now I should just call it my math course, cause I dropped the other one. It’s not my fault that the course has enough content to be split into 2 intro courses, 60% of the kids fail it their first time and you’re lucky to get a C+. I mean I have grade requirements I need to meet. And it just took up all of my time, so I’ll probably just take it my third year, that seems to be what most people do. Speaking of math, I walked into my lab and of course the first words out of Mack Johnson’s mouth was some insulting or objectifying comment about my rarely framed body. Of course I blocked him out, like I always do. It’s not like he ever has anything intelligent to say. How his two brain cells managed to get the prerequisite math grade required for this course is a mystery, and the reasoning behind him being so popular is mystifying. The lab itself was alright. I didn’t actually have any issues with the practice questions my TA went over, but I still take notes though.

Then I took the bus home, but got off a couple stops early to go to the grocery store, because I needed to get some chickpeas for dinner tonight, and I was running low on oat milk. Oh, one... “exciting” thing that happened today, I ran into my old French teacher at the store, which turned into a very awkward exchange like it always is, seeing one of your teachers in a non-school environment. At least I haven’t lost my French... I mean I’m definitely rusty, but I managed to say everything but “faculty” in French. I don’t know why I just completely blank- it’s faculté isn’t it? God, I hate it when it’s only one letter off! Let me just look it up... yeah, it’s faculté. God dammit, I was that close to seeming competent and I just go and mess it up. Story of my life, I guess. Anyways, it’s a bit of a walk to get back to my apartment but I've always liked walking, so no big deal. When I got home, I fed Buttercup and then she slept on my chest while I watched one of my baking competition shows, and since then I’ve spent the rest of my time up to this point studying. So yeah, nothing out of the ordinary today. Well, except…

I probably imagined it, but I swear that I saw the same person outside the bus window on my ride to and from the university.

[KETTLE BOILS FAINTLY IN THE BACKGROUND]

Yeah, he was standing in front of the old church on Markham. We were stopped at the lights there for a little while, and he was there the entire time.

[CLINKING IN THE BACKGROUND, IT SOUNDS LIKE DISHES]

There’s no bus stop there and it’s Wednesday, there’s no church.

[CLINKING CONTINUES]

The really weird thing is I don’t think he moved.

[WATER POURING]

Like not even an inch, all he did was... smile. He looked almost- unnatural, like I’m talking uncanny valley, here. But like I said, I probably just imagined it, and I mean I was looking through the bus window, even if there was someone there, they were distorted because of the lens. That’s a thing, right? Yeah. Definitely.

[MORE CLINKING, LIKE A SPOON IN A CUP]

I’m gonna get more tea. What? I never refilled my mug, I swear I- Well, I can’t believe I’m saying this, I think my therapist is right. I’m working myself too hard, that’s it. All of whatever I think is happening is just a response to me being over-taxed. That seems right. Ok I’m going to eat dinner then chill until I fall asleep, one night of not being ultra-productive will do me some good. Probably. Ok well, goodbye... journal?, I got to think of a sendoff for this, (in a lower radio announcer-type voice) this is Mylea Smith signing off from- no, no, god- god no, why did I do that, nope, not doing this tonight.

[RECORDING SAVED SOUND]